[SFX: Keys quietly turning and the door slowly creaking open. Small footsteps and then a sudden startle as the Yandere is caught]

[Startled] Shit! Hey! Calm down this isn’t what it looks like.

[Pause]

[Calm voice] Yes, I know this seems strange, but I can explain. Really! Just sit down. Please?

[Pause]

Oh? This? I just brought this for my own safety. Our safety. It is late outside and I did park a bit far away. Don’t worry! I would never use it on you. Besides the safety is on. Now, please. Sit down. You deserve an explanation why I’m like suddenly inside your house like this [nervous laugh].

[Pause]

[Shy] So, I know it’s a little unconventional but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met. You’ve been on my mind nonstop and that hasn’t happened to me in a long, long time. The last guy I felt this way for, well… oh… I’m sorry!

[Apologetic] It’s rude to talk about your exes. Especially to someone you’re kinda in love with. Don’t worry he’s completely out of the picture. Neither of us needs to worry about him.

Hey, where are you going?! [SFX: chair falls as the victim tries to make a dash for the door. Some scuffle ensues. Gun cocks]

[Deranged] What did I just ask you VERY nicely to do? I’m not done explaining to you why I’m here. Now go back to your chair and stop being such a rude host.

(SFX: stand the chair back up. Sitting down noise)

[Exhale and now calm] Jesus. You can’t startle me like that. Gosh, now where was I? Oh yeah. So you’re special to me. Obviously. Duh. Ever since I met you at the cafe and I said “have a nice day” and you said, “you too!” Like. Wow. You didn’t need to say that. And you even left me a $10 tip on a $5 coffee. Like, you couldn’t have been more obvious.

[Pause]

You were just being nice? [laugh in disbelief] Oh, sure, babe. Come on. I’m already here. You don’t need to keep being shy and playing hard to get! You were already plenty hard to get trust me. I already had to give up my job at the cafe chasing you. You got so caught up in flirting that you forgot to leave your number. I had to follow you as you left. I think it’s so cool you take the bus. I had to be quick in my car to catch up but eh who hasn’t run one or two red lights in their life?

[Pause]

[Angry] What….crazy? I’m NOT crazy. Why would you say that!? I’m not crazy! [Yelling] You don’t get to call me that!

[Tender, possibly on the verge of tears] Oh no oh no I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for shouting at you.

[SFX: Kissing face and lips noises]

I’m sorry that you made me do that. I should have communicated more calmly. That word is a no-no word for me. It makes me very angry. It’s triggering. Don’t use it again, okay?

[Pause]

[SFX: soft kisses] Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Anyway, yeah, so where were we? Oh yeah, um following you to work, getting your number from your work then learning your schedule yada yada yada. boring normal stuff.

[Pause]

Not healthy? [laugh] Do you live under a rock? I am a woman living in the modern world. I had to make sure you were safe and weren’t going to hurt me. I wouldn’t do any of this normally, but that’s the world we live in right? Some women just Google people, but I prefer to be more thorough. It’s not like I would just stalk you like this for no reason, that would be CRAZY.

[Pause]

[Stern] And I’m not crazy? Right?

[Pause]

Good. I really appreciate you saying that. God, you’re such good boyfriend material. Already listening and respecting my boundaries like that. You’re so wonderful. I love you….

[SFX: kissing noises]

[breathy] So I um know this is our first date and everything but um…I was wondering if we could maybe sorta cuddle? If that’s okay with you, of course.

[Pause]

Oh, I know I don’t have to. I want to, silly! [giggle]

[Pause]

[Annoyed] What did I JUST say? Why are you being weird? I said I wanted to cuddle! What’s the problem here?

[pause]

[sigh] No, no, *I’M* Sorry. You’re just being sweet and concerned for me, and I’m being a brat about it. I’m not used to dating such a sweet man like you. Here it’s okay. Let me reward you for being so good to me. I’m gonna keep holding the gun, though, okay? It is a kinda bad neighborhood anyway. Okay, are you ready to cuddle darling?

[SFX: Cuddling noises]

Just gonna rest it on your thigh up against your cute tummy. Just pretend it’s not there and let me take care of you…

[Deep inhale] You smell so good. I feel so safe with you. I’m not sure I even need the gun. I sure know how to pick them, don’t I?

[Some soft cuddling and giggling noises]

[distressed] oh, my god, what’s wrong with me? What am I doing here?

[pause]

No, silly, not about me coming over. I mean, I didn’t even ask you if you wanted to be the big spoon or little spoon?! Which one baby. You can choose.

[Pause]

Awww…little spoon? That’s so cute…okay, I’ll be the big spoon. If you feel something hard, that’s just the gun against your spine.

[Giggles] You’re so much bigger than me. I feel like I’m your jet pack!

[Whispers] You can relax now baby. I can hear your heartbeat. It’s going so fast. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m not going to hurt you, unless you make me feel unsafe of course! A girl has to protect herself

[pause]

Awww…sorry baby, yeah I can move the gun a little. My bad. I don’t wanna bruise you at all. Shhh…now let’s just enjoy this moment for a bit…

[Quiet and calm breathing. She feels happy and safe, then begin whispering] I love you so much. I never thought I would have a guy like you just fall into my life like this. It sounds stupid but most customers don’t even see me as a person. They just seem me as some kind of NPC or tool to bring them their food. I hate it…I’ve felt so unloved for so long…but that day…that day you came in…it just changed everything…I feel crazy sometimes…but this just feels right doesn’t it?

[Pause]

It’s okay [giggles] I know this is a lot for you, but I feel so strongly about this that I feel like I’m definitely going to win you over. There’s just something about us that I can’t let go. I can’t ever let you go darling. I’m gonna be patient. I’m not gonna push you. I’m gonna wait until you’re ready. I love you and I’ll love you even more when you love me back.

[Cuddle a little longer]

Well, anyway, I hate to end the date, but it’s getting late huh? We should probably start getting ready for bed. Be right back.

[SFX: walking away, then walking back with a rolling suitcase]

Oh, this? Well, since I quit my job for you, I thought it made sense that I stay with you while I look for something a little closer to your place. The commute at the cafe sucked anyway. There are also a lot of really great shops near your house too. What’s the one you like to visit a lot? Down the street. The coffee place!

[pause]

Yeah! Billy’s Beans?!! Man, you go to that cafe a lot. Don’t worry, though. I can start making you coffee at home to save us money. Talk about wifey material, huh?

[pause]

[annoyed] I said, I’m pretty good wife material HUH?

[pause]

[giggle] sorry, that’s what I thought. Anyway, let’s get ready for bed now. Hurry up. I need to wake up early and apply for jobs.

[pause] That’s right. Just lay down in our bed. Nice and relaxed. That’s perfect. [kiss forehead]

Now I’m gonna go put my stuff away and shower. Goodnight baby. Get some rest. Sweet dreams. I love you. [Kiss]